~8/11/2020~
Dear 2020,
I was so excited for you to come. I thought that you were going to be “my year.” Personally, you started out a little rough. I was not in a great head-space and I was going through a lot of inner struggles. Then March came around. I went on a mission trip to Cuba and things really shifted for me that week, all for the good. I was ready to Kick butt for the rest of 2020. Little did I know, that while I was in Cuba I had no insight into what was happening in the world. I couldn’t have my phone or the internet. When I got back into the country, I was blasted with news that we were in a Global Pandemic. Here I was, a college girl who before spring break, was debating going home for the rest of the semester because I hated being at school that much. After spring break, my thoughts and heart had changed and I was so ready to finish my senior year of college strong. I realized that only I had the ability to change my mindset about things. I had to lean on God and I was ready to have a fun last 3 months. Then I learned that school had been canceled for a week and we had, what in reality, was a second spring break. I spent the next week enjoying my extra week off from classes but eventually got to the point where I was ready to go back to school. Then I got the news that classes were canceled in-person indefinitely. I was heartbroken. I didn’t understand. My extra week at home turned into an extra 3 months at home. I never got to go back to my wonderful school. I never got to see my classmates again or tell my professors about my spring break. I started out 2020 with not wanting to stay at school and was ready to commute. When I finally was ready to go back, I couldn’t and it felt like the decision was made for me. One month turned into 2 and then 3 and things felt like they kept being taken away from me. Now I don’t want to sound selfish or put on the “boo hoo feel bad for me face” but at the moment I couldn’t help it cause I had nothing left. At first, it was just in-person classes that were taken away. Then I didn’t get my senior night or my last formal dance with my campus ministry. I didn’t get to say goodbye to any of my mentors. Next, we had graduation canceled. I got my name called from my TV screen while sitting in my living room. I will never be able to say that I walked across the stage at my college graduation. After that, I had my graduation trip canceled that my family had planned for me. I am forever grateful that I was even going to go on a graduation trip, to begin with. Finally and the worst one of all was I got my DREAM internship canceled. I was supposed to start my life after graduation with the internship of my dreams that I had been trying to get into for 2 years and finally had gotten accepted. That was the last thing I was holding onto after everything was taken away. I thought that I would still be able to go although it might just be a little different with COVID, I was ready to face the changes. Then I was felt lost. I know so many people have lost a lot this year, jobs, family members, material things, etc. Here I am, a recent college graduate now stuck in a place with nothing to do and nowhere to go. I was thrown a curve ball with my internship being canceled and it was so last minute that I got stressed about trying to figure out what was next for me. Especially at this time, finding a job is not the easiest thing to do right now. 2020 which was supposed to be the year of so many big milestones in my life, ended up being the year that I will never forget, and not in a good way. Am I angry? Yes. Am I sad? Absolutely. Am I confused? Oh most definitely. Do I understand? Not at all. This year started out with lots of tears because of my own personal struggles and continued with tears but for a completely different reason. I couldn’t help but ask God why was I being punished? What did I do to deserve all of this? Was it because I started out the year in the worst mindset I have ever been in in my entire life? I’m not sure. I don’t have an answer.
I questioned God a lot. A. LOT. I know he has a plan for me but I had NO idea how in the world this was his plan for me. I always say that no matter what when bad things happen God makes them happen for a reason because something good is going to come out of it. I couldn’t help but question though, how was something good going to come from me not being able to graduate and walk across the stage? How was good suppose to come from my internship being canceled? How was any good going to come from not being able to say goodbye to my friends? I didn’t understand it at all. Normally I am really good at trying to find at least ONE good thing even in the worst situation but this was one time where I couldn’t find one, not even a sliver. I was so upset and angry. I shed a lot of tears. To sum everything up, 2020 has been crap. There has been very little that I have actually enjoyed and I wouldn’t even say enjoyed really, more like just didn’t hate.
It’s been hard. Very hard. There have been multiple times where I just wish time could either go back and things could be normal again or I wish that 2021 would just happen already so 2020 can be over. There are a lot of things I wish right now. I wish I was able to have a proper graduation. I wish I was able to say goodbye to my friends that I didn’t expect to never see again. I wish my internship wasn’t canceled so I could complete my dream. I wish that I could go to the gym again. I wish I could go to my church and worship again. I could go on and on about what I wish. Unfortunately, that’s the thing with wishes, they are things we wish for but might not necessarily get. They will only come true if that is what God wants for us and if it is in his plan for us. That’s also the hard thing about faith. We have to have faith in God that he knows what is best for us even though most of the time we don’t understand why things happen.
I am definitely one that can preach about being mad at God. I can talk about getting angry with him and having doubts about his plans for me. This year was definitely the hardest test I have ever had to go through to test my faith in God. Do you know how many times I have prayed to God just asking him to throw me a bone? Many. Do you know how many times I have talked to God just yelling at him? Plenty. Do I regret any of it? No. God wants to hear those things. He wants us to call out to Him regardless of how we are feeling even if our negative feelings are towards him. He wants us to go to him. The difference is, He doesn’t want us to sit and wallow in it. It’s like a parent who has a child who is angry. Sometimes the parent will allow their child to get all of their frustration out before they sit down and have a conversation with them. It’s hard to talk to someone when they are frustrated and upset and most of the time they need to calm down before you have a conversation with them. God sits there and listens to us regardless of what we say but its when we calm down and we are ready to listen, that’s when he starts talking. If we constantly are going to God to complain about things and putting all of our frustration on him but we never calm down to hear him talk, he isn’t going to talk to us. It’s hard, I know. Even then God doesn’t answer everything that we ask of him. He ALWAYS sits there and listens but he doesn’t always answer. Well, what I should say is he doesn’t always answer us the way we want to be answered. A lot of the times he answers but with what he knows is right for us.
2020 has been awful. I can honestly say that I will look back on this year and not have many good memories. The first thing that will come to my mind is how 2020 took so much away from me. I’m not going to lie, that’s exactly what I’m going to think of. It will not give me positive thoughts. I’m still learning. I’m learning what this year means. I’m still trying to figure out how I’m supposed to grow from this. There are many things I’m still trying to figure out. Most of them I might never figure out. I might figure out some of them 10 years from now when I look back at this time. There are lots of questions, uncertainties, and everything else in between. I have to keep reminding myself that even the most awful times in our lives are meant to teach us something. So yes, 2020 has stunk, truly, but its a learning experience. It’s a time for me to lean on God more than ever. Even on the days when I don’t want to do that. I struggle to lean on God. Every day is a new and different day and some days are easier for me to trust him than others. One thing that I can’t say enough is if you are feeling far away from God and you feel like you know you need him but you don’t know how to show that, pour yourself into your resources. Pull out your bible. Listen to some Christian music. Pray morning and night. Talk to him about how you are feeling, he will listen, I promise. Even when we feel distant from God, he never feels distant from us. He is always right beside us no matter what and just the mere fact of that right there should give you peace. You are never alone because you have the BEST person right by your side holding your hand and cheering you on through everything. Remember that and constantly remind yourself. So here’s to the rest of 2020. I don’t know what you will bring but what I do know is I’m going to be okay.
Romans 8:28-
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good.”
-And as always, keep your Eyes Wide Open and look towards the Lord.
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