~3/18/18~
This is my Testimony. My Story. For those of you who don't know what a testimony is, it's pretty much a story of your relationship with God. How was your life before and after God? How has your life changed with God in it? So here's mine.
Ever since the day I was born I have had God in my life. I grew up in a Christian home and always went to Church. I was your everyday Christian. I went to church and Sunday school every Sunday morning, went back Sunday night for choir, and went to youth group on Wednesday nights. This was a reoccurring thing every single week for almost 18 years, up until the year I moved away to college. I would rent Veggie tales DVD's at my church's library every single Sunday and would bring them back the next week to get another. I was baptized at the age of 7 years old at church and was given a personalized bible from my pastor. I did church choir, church youth group, hand bells, participated in my church's Christmas play and everything else in between. Don't get me wrong, I loved every second of it. I enjoyed myself doing all these activities and I made friends through them as well. I just didn't realize at the time that I wasn't doing it for God. I was doing it because everyone else in my life was doing these same things so I thought I had to too. I thought that was what everybody had to be involved in. When I got into middle school the kids that were in my grade got closer to each other. Now my church that I attended is also a Private Christian School. About 90% of the kids in my grade at church also went to school there and so they knew each other very well. Unlike them, I and about four other people went to public school. We were still close to everybody in our grade but there was always that separation. In middle school, we all started getting more into our faith in general because we started to understand more. Sunday mornings I would hear my peers talk about their quiet times with the lord within that past week and how they read their devotionals and bibles every day. I can remember thinking to myself "whoa, they are doing so much with the Lord and I'm not doing any of that....I'm such a bad Christian." I didn't do any of those things so I thought to myself that I was so far behind in my faith. I had gotten baptized so I knew I had Jesus in my heart and he was, I just didn't know how to show it. I wasn't up to, what I thought, were the standards. I felt awful. I felt like the past 10 years I had been lying to myself. Did I even deserve to have Jesus and God in my life? Was I doing enough to keep him in my heart? I had no idea. My heart was shattered and I was second guessing every single thing I was doing in my life. Middle school was rough, for multiple reasons. Not only was I going through the awkward stage of life in general but I was going through this awkward stage of life with God and my faith. I didn't know what to do and I would be lying to you if I said I wasn't completely terrified at times. With struggling for years, I finally made it out of middle school and felt like I was starting a new going into High school. When entering High School at my church you enter new Sunday school classes and the High school youth choir. After years of trying to figure out what more I could do for God and to show him and others that I loved him immensely, I realized something. It took me a while but I realized to stop. I realized that I needed to stop everything. I needed to stop all of my overthinking thoughts. I needed to stop comparing myself to others. I needed to stop trying to be, what I thought, was a "better" Christian. I needed to stop it all. I realized that I'm never going to be like them. I was never going to be that girl who read her bible every single day or sits outside with a devotional for 2 hours during the week. Now don't get me wrong, these things are great and if you do them, keep doing them!! Also, don't feel bad and get down on yourself if you don't do these things though, it's okay. I learned that there is no "picture perfect" way of being a Christian. We all have our differences of being a Christian and how we chose to love the Lord and show that love to others. I show my love through song. I have always loved to sing so when I worship, that is how people see my heart. I show God I love him by investing myself into other people's lives, by singing in the car, by writing down my thoughts. This was something that was super hard for me to understand, but I understand now and I still doubt myself sometimes that I'm not doing enough but I never compare my faith to others. I never see myself as farther behind than others, or I'm not as good as others. This took me until about the middle of High school to realize and I still don't know a lot of things.
After coming to that realization though, my faith grew so much. I grew in my love for Jesus and I was in such a good place in life. School was going great, I was one step closer to Graduation, I had the greatest friends a girl could ask for, and I felt like my heart was so full of Jesus I couldn't help but have a great day everyday. I was finally a senior in High school. This was a bitter sweet moment because I was ready to get out of school but I wasn't ready to leave. I love my hometown. So many kids can't wait to graduate so they are able to leave their homes, I am the complete opposite. I love my hometown, my friends and my family. There wasn't a single thing that I was ready to leave. It was about the middle of senior year and it was going great. I had this group of girlfriends, whom I loved. Getting closer and closer to graduation our friend group broke apart, for multiple reasons. I had just lost my best friend, my partner in crime, and the girl I relied so much on senior year. My best friend of almost 13 years. My entire life up to this point was pretty much the same. Nothing had really ever changed. I had lost both my Grandpa's growing up but other than that, nothing changed and I didn't lose anybody. I had sports I had quit, but what kid doesn't? Losing her was the hardest thing in my life up to that point. I know that might sound so stupid to some people like, "well dang if the hardest thing that girl went through was losing a friend then she's got it good." I do consider myself having a great life and I am so blessed with the things and people God has given me, but people go through struggles in life. Some struggles might be hard for some people and easy for others, that's just life. After losing my best friend I was ready for High school to end. Thankfully God gave me a few best friends after that and I couldn't be more blessed. Senior year was coming to an end and college decisions were also coming to an end. Everyone around me had decided where they were going and were so pumped to go to their new schools. Me, I had no clue. Choosing a college was one of the hardest decisions I had ever made. Not only did I not know where I would wanted to call my second home at but a part of me didn't want to choose a college. Like I said before, I LOVE my home, honestly. I didn't want to leave so choosing a place I would call my second home was hard. People around me knew when picking a college. I would hear "I knew this was the place for me." "I have been wanting to go to this college my entire life." I didn't have any of those feelings. After months and months I had finally narrowed it down to two. Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia, and Appalachian State University in Boone, North Carolina. Liberty was a Christian school and App state was almost the complete opposite. As we all know, my faith is such a huge part in my life. I had already decided I wasn't going to drink, do drugs, or have sex in college. Those are my morals and I was going to stick to them no matter what. I knew NOT doing those things were going to be a lot easier at Liberty because they don't allow alcohol or drugs, meanwhile App State really does not care, just don't get caught. My sister was transferring to Liberty for her Junior year so we would be starting there together. After months and months I finally decided. While speaking with some friends about college, something just clicked. I went home and told my parents I had made up my mind. Now my mom wanted me to go to Liberty because she knew those were "my kind of people." My dad just wanted me to be happy wherever I went. I decided App State. Now looking back on my decision I couldn't give you a single answer as to why I picked App State. I honestly have no idea. Now that I had decided, all I had to get through was the summer and then I was making my way to Boone, NC in the fall!
HERE COMES AUGUST 2016!!! I was packing up my stuff to move into App state and I can honestly say, I did not want to go what so ever. I was not ready to be at college, away from my family and friends. The only thing that was giving me comfort was the fact I was rooming with one of my best friends, Ansley (yes we have the same name.) App is a very popular school where I live and a lot of people from Winston-Salem end up going to App state. Ansley and I knew a few people up at App already. Moving in was tough but once my family left I was okay, I guess. After the first couple of weeks, me and Ansley had gotten a part of CRU which is a Christian Organization on campus and we also were a part of a small, girls bible study group. We were getting to be a part of a few things which everyone told me to do. Everyone told me to make sure to get involved because that was how I was going to have a great college experience. WRONG. (well at least for me) Months and months passed by and although I was a part of things, I had no friends, (other than Ansley.) Neither me or her had a car up at App with us so we couldn't ever go anywhere. During the week, I would wake up, go to class, eat lunch, go to class, eat dinner, then go back to the dorm. On the weekends I would not leave my dorm room for a solid 48 hours unless it was to get food, or I would call my dad and go home for the weekend. This was my entire freshman year. Living in class and my dorm. No friends at all. I feel like when people say they have no friends they might be exaggerating a little but I am not, I had NO NEW FRIENDS. I would call my dad or mom almost every single day crying that I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to be in college anymore. So many things went wrong freshman year. ( we will get into that in another blog, lets just say I had to lean on God A LOT) Around the time of Thanksgiving, my dad finally told me something needed to change. He told me to look into the option of transferring. I was a little upset at this because I had always just thought whatever school I picked from the beginning, I would be there for all four years. After hearing so many other people's stories, I realized that so many college students transfer and it wasn't anything to be ashamed of. I started looking into my second choice of school, Liberty University. My mom wanted me to transfer so badly there because she knew I wasn't finding the group of good Christian friends I was wanting up at App and she knew they would be at Liberty. After months of looking into it, going on tours at Liberty, reapplying and re-getting in, it was senior year all over. I found myself making the decision of "should I transfer or stay at App?" I went to Liberty for a weekend to see if I could really see myself going there. It's about a 2.5 hour drive from my house and I went alone so I had a lot of time to think when heading back from Liberty. While being in my car, I jammed to early 2000's jams, and then I turned off the radio and just had to talk to God. I spent about 2 hours just in my car talking to God about what I needed to do to make me happy. I ended up bawling my eyes out but I got that sense of comfort over me during that car ride and had made my second decision. When I got home my parents knew right away what I had decided without me even saying a word. I decided to stay at App state. The only reason I had behind it was the people I wanted to meet. I wanted to have a good group of Christian girls I could lean on. Liberty is a great school and has a lot of great Christians there. Since it is a Christian school though there are a lot of people who put on the mask of being Christian and I could tell their heart was not with the Lord. I knew App was a very "different" school in so many different ways. I also knew that if I stayed at App, if I found that group of Christian girls, they would be genuine. App does not push anybody to do anything, as opposed to Liberty, since it is a Christian school, people feel the need to put on that "face." I was happy and comfortable with my decision but I was still anxious for sophomore year to come around. I DID NOT want a repeat of the awful freshman year that I had just had. August 2017 rolled around and move in day was here. Moving in this time I was ready. I still had a part of me that didn't want to leave home but I was more ready to start off the school year. Within the first week of sophomore year, it had been better than all of freshman year combined. After first semester I changed my major from Business Management to Communication Studies after having a heart to heart with my dad about how I was not on the right path in life, and I now couldn't be more excited for the future. This blog has been such a blessing to me with showing my faith to others, helping them through struggles, being able to show guidance through my own stories and I can't wait to see where God takes me in life. My life has been far from perfect but I am grateful for every opportunity God has placed in my life, whether it be good or bad. My testimony is special because its mine. It's my story and I can't wait for the next chapter to start. Whats your story?
1 John 5:11 "This is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is found in his son."
~ As always, Keep your Eyes Wide Open and look toward the Lord.
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